Some big changes ahead and just some Thinking Out Loud

Linking up with Amanda today

So hey guys. Hi. Hello. Haayyyy.

There’s been something I’ve wanted to share with you all for about a month now, but haven’t quite figured out how to go about it. And because Thursdays are for “Thinking out Loud” (even though this post is not silly or particularly fun I just have so much I’ve been thinking about I NEED TO GET IT OUT.) So I thought I’d give it a go…

Remember that one Friday (roughly a month ago) I said I was stressed like cray? Well, unfortunately not much has changed. Compared to last month I’m passed the point of being just “on the verge of tears” to full out tears. Tears out of nowhere. Ugly crying with lots of tears… Crying to coworkers… Crying on the phone with friends. I can’t stand it. I don’t like crying unless I am in the mood for a good cry during a movie (please tell me I’m not the only one who enjoys a good cry during a movie). I feel like I’ve cried more these past two months compared to all of 2015 combined. I don’t typically cry too much. But man my anxiety and emotions are all over the place these days.

So here’s the deal… Drew and I are moving back to Michigan. Yes, BACK to Michigan. Why is this a big deal? For those of you that don’t know (because I don’t like to disclose TOO much information straight up on the blog) we have lived in central PA for the past four years, and we moved here when I accepted a design position for a costume company after graduating from CMU. It was basically my dream job out of college. I grew up dancing at my mom’s dance studio, getting to flip through all of the dance costume catalogs every year, helping select some of the costumes when I got old enough. I actually interned with my company the summer before I graduated, and when a position opened up, I jumped at the opportunity, and of course was fortunate enough to be offered a design position. I kind of maybe sort of had to drag Drew out to PA with me, but I also told him I was going either way and if he wanted to do long distance, then so be it… but he came 🙂

And it’s been amazing out here in PA. I’ve grown a lot as a person and a designer with the company. I’ve gotten to travel across the country for my job. I’ve visited New York and Los Angeles several different times. I’ve seen Rhode Island, Boston, Portland… Not to mention all of the different places PA has to offer. The landscape and hills are very different compared to central Michigan where I grew up. And every day on my commute to work these past couple months I am reminded of that…

The lovely Susquehanna River (albeit dirty as can be) was a fun place for us to explore with the kayaks. And I drive over it every day.

Wine tasting with rolling hills in the distance. Memories of a friend’s bachelorette party where I tasted one too many, pet the farm animals as well as played with the electric fence (don’t worry, it didn’t hurt…)

My sisters have come out to visit multiple times. We played tourists with our parents and friends. Chocolate World (and the free ride) at Hershey Park was a “must see” to anyone that came to stay with us. (Because “it’s FO FREE”. Sorry, had to.)

Driving around Gettysburg, PA and the battlefields. Such a humbling place. I have a thing for history, I find it fascinating.

We went to Ocean City, Maryland and the beaches in Delaware, where Drew proposed (see now I am getting emotional again).

We did a houseboat long weekend vacation with friends here two years in a row. By far some of the best times we had during the summer.

We have made countless memories here in PA. And while of course we missed our families, and missed out on birthday celebrations, some holiday gatherings from time-to-time… PA was where Drew and I started out on our own. We began our life together here. We figured out how to live together and fought over how to load the dishwasher (mind you I didn’t grow up with a dishwasher, so why I thought I knew “the right way”. Hmm control freak much?…). We got on each other’s nerves. Then we got over it and learned to laugh at each other. We became our own little family. And we made some close friends too, and our work friends became like a part of our families.

After Drew and I got married last May, we started having a discussion about how much longer we’d be out in PA. We were sitting on the beach of Lake Michigan near Holland during our “honeymoon” getaway, wondering what it’d be like to be back… getting to visit the lake whenever we wanted. At the time I didn’t realize the opportunity would be so close. Fast forward nine months later and Drew accepted a job offer near Ann Arbor. What’s been especially tough about this move is that it has all happened rather quickly… and not all at once. What I mean by that is Drew has been back in Michigan since the beginning of March, while I have been out in PA continuing work with my company. So not only is there the stress of him not being here, but the uncertainty of what’s really next. Him looking for a place on his own, me having to be okay with what he finds.. OR us living between our parents’ houses while we search together. The unknown is what has been giving me anxiety and causing me so much stress I have been struggling with how to deal.

And of course while I am overall thrilled about this move… being closer to friends and families will be a great thing. But it is a much harder move than I originally thought it would be. But I also know it is the right thing to do. For both Drew and I… but it is hard. It is hard going back. Starting something new. Leaving a place where you realistically know going back is not in your future. Not that I even would necessarily want it to be. But just knowing that our time here in PA is done, and we are closing this chapter of our life now. It leaves me with an uncontrollable amount of tears. No matter how much happier I know we will both be in the end, I can’t help but feel so sad. There is an overflow of emotions that I just cannot seem to get a handle on. Every day is different. One day I am feeling good about everything. The next I am feeling overwhelmed and my anxious thoughts clouding my positive ones. I don’t think being here on my own has helped… Drew and I are used to traveling for work and being apart. But this time is different. I’ve missed making desserts for him. And getting feedback on my recipes. Talking about the things he says in my posts… Our Netflix couch time. The Hershey Pantry dinners. It’s getting warm enough now where I would drag him to the rail trails and we’d go for bike rides. I miss having him tell me I need to take a blogging break…

Which is actually what I’ll be doing a bit this next month. While juggling working full-time and the blog, I kind of have to make packing up our place a priority. He took some stuff back with him when he moved, but realistically he could only take so much back. So I’ll need to take some down time here over the next few weeks. I’ve asked some great friends to help me out with posting on the blog, so I can’t wait to share their content with you. The first one is coming up later next week, which I am super excited about.

I would have loved to turn this post into some little lesson of how to deal stress, manage anxiety… “5 things to do to alleviate stress during big life changes”… HA, well the truth of the matter is that I am not there yet. I’ve been eating not-so-great on the weekends, trying to muster up the energy for  good workouts, (thankfully Beverley has my back with her amazing upcoming eBook that I’ve been following, more to come on that in April!) and because of the stress combined with some poor diet choices, I feel like I am gaining weight which is probably adding even more stress. So YEAH. I’m definitely not leading any lesson plans here. I feel like I am a student in the back of classroom just doodling and not paying attention at all…

 
Wow, this post has turned into quite a lengthy one. Sorry for the rambling parts, and thanks for sticking with me. Maybe by sharing this little tidbit of my life here I can start to feel better about what’s to come… I’m afraid to read over again for fear of breaking into tears for the bagillionth time. So if you see any typos (*ahem* Pal…) just ignore. (Actually Pal if you can send me the corrections, that’d be great 😉 )

I may have not made any sense to you… but for those that have dealt with this type of move (or even those that have not…)

I’d love to hear from you

Thoughts, advice, words of encouragement are all appreciated.

And like I’ve said before, I know I’ll look back on this and laugh at how out of sorts I became… but right now I just can’t seem to help it!